Pearl

1980 something. we all hung out at Pearl and you and i were nothing special, or so i thought. i mean we all danced, drenched in our own sweat, our own saline solution of fear, too many beers, shots, laughter, tears, fucks in the bathroom and i don't know when we began to be afraid. do you?

the fun girls came in when the other bars closed, they didn't want us as we desired ourselves, just fun, just wild, just cyndi lauper, madonna madness, tequila, stumbling good times, right?

upstairs, dykes played pool, made out with bleached mohawks in flannel shirts while we danced under the strobes and wondered if we'd go home alone, or die.

i saw you staring at me, i knew then i was out of your league. you left with him, the one with low waisted black leather pants and that thug vest with studs. i should have tried to stop you! save you? me? us?

a shit-faced pretty fun girl, one who let me cry on her shoulder outside in the fuckin' snowstorm kinda girl shared a bottle of whiskey, we stumbled to my place and fell on the dirty carpet screaming not at each other or you or anyone really, just screaming cause the world was fucked and we knew it. she knew i was a gay man and didn't give a damn and i felt safe. safer than lusting after you. at least for awhile. why couldn't i feel this with you?

instantly me and fun girl connected over whiskey, a few lines and god knows we had plenty to sob about.

dawn blew in like a cranky mother trying to shut the party down so i darkened the room and me and the fun girl curled up on my bed and did a few bong hits to try and just chill. we just needed to forget why we existed, who we might be, or what might become of us for a goddamn minute.

i guess we slept. when i woke she'd brought in some corner store coffee and those little snow-white donuts you and i loved. i cried. she didn't ask why and told me her name again. i went over and over my love story with you, our risks, your break-up, our fights and she sat like a skinny butted buddha and rolled joints, listened, never judged me. we snuggled, slept an hour more then i think we showered. we kissed. one sweet, thank you for being here kiss.

so we decided to go back to Pearl together after we hit a diner and a few thrift shops. and i waited for you and she and i did shots. did you ever shower with a fun girl? i think you wouldn't have because you were too damn afraid of who the fuck you were.

i honestly don't know why i bother retelling you this story. she meant nothing to me. she was like a sweet angel that flew in and out. nothing more.

we all knew it was happening, she knew, you knew, the whole damn club knew. i don't know why i am here anymore. i don't know why i wasn't good enough for you, i don't know why you left with him and i left with her. her kiss was like mist on a foggy day, yours one that would drive me to a desperate place within that i am still haunted by. why? why do i linger here wishing you back to hurt me, humiliate me, taunt me, ruin me?

she said love is not a fault. she said people do stupid shit. she believed in us more than we believed in each other. you should still be here to be an asshole. god knows, you deserve to hear this rant from me.